two months in living around buildings and concrete.
and some times in my drunken rage i stomp on the sidewalks
and scream: "concrete sucks!"
i miss the nature of the suburbs. i was pretty lucky with all those forest preserves.
smoking weed. feeding apples to animals. hanging out in tall grasses.
recording a mental note of what the water fall sounds like just to keep yourself...sane.

but i do enjoy the lovely crooked ceiling inside our cozy attic apartment.
we've been cooking on cast iron pans for the past two months.
i caved and went to the thrift store (that has a horrible set up of cash registers) and bought a nice non-cast-iron-pan.
it was marvelous.

and at this very moment, he is flipping raw home made vegan bagels in boiling water with our red
spatula that came across us in a box at the salvation army.
i don't think we've cooked the same recipe twice. unless it's amazing burrito night or awesome home made recipe of movie type popcorn.

i'm plan to be a bear this winter.

 update:

life is good
relationship is great
i am a horrible brat when it comes to things
i'll just stare at him
and then he'll smile
and then end my self staring contest with a nice kiss
the city is cold
i have three friends so far in this big city
and i fit perfectly well with the ghetto talking mailroom that i work in
i even picked up on some ebonics.
i have about five cigarettes a day now. if that.
and right behind me is a friend washing our dinner dishes because we often like to have him over for dinner. he doesn't mind the emptiness and he truly understands.
friends are great.
i am secretly home sick though. 
it's an every day battle to not call him and tell my parents i miss them and love them.
no joke.
but the city is big.
and wonderful.
but i am still trying to find some god damn woods to lose myself in.

i feel like i am waving away to some where else. i'm feeling settled even though i have yet to unpack the many boxes waiting to be folded and placed some where. my mind has settled in to other things and disinterested in some. i don't feel as if i would like the city but i know he will. he sleeps better. and really, it's just a place that we have for privacy. i like the privacy that we have in our attic apartment and slanted walls. his hands are eager to build shelves. and as i was passing by walls of concrete on the highway, i realized my heart does not belong around machines that destroy or orange signs telling me to flow with traffic. one day i will ride a different direction that it tells me. fly threw the air as if my car has wings and pass all the shocked faces. i did this out of love of not this. i would be cushioned with fields if we had any.

we've nestled our half empty/half full cardboard boxes. scattered every where on the hardwood floor. my tire popped on the bridge over water by Navy Pier. a loud boom. The tire slanted off the rim and the bike cops pulled their bikes over to take a look with their flashlight and no help. i held my breath due to downing three beers prior to this and didn't want to get a DUI on a bike. they directed a bike shop near navy pier and i headed down there. closed and shut down (and which by the way was a bike rental place, not a fix up place) i locked my bike on the rack and waited for friends to bike home and grab a car. i laid on the bench with him, head on his chest. the clouds acted as a blanket to the chilling moon. we discussed the matter of life people take in and i mentioned the ones that say "i am struggling to define myself" are bullshit. i've said this line many times but realized i have just cozied up to rock bottom and i don't know what excuse i can give myself to just stall a while as i kick pebbles of finicial issues as well as personal.
pebbles. not boulders.
i brought my backpacking bag as a terms of knowing i can escape.
i have been twidling my thumbs in excitement and jealousy over Ryan M's ability to hop on a plane to arizona and keep himself out there for a while. i almost want to ask him if i can do that with him.

i'm going to be taking up photography. fill this void that i have in my life. something to travel with around the city. and a reason to throw fists if anyone takes it.

6:10 am: Ben's alarm clock goes off and shakes me softly to wake up.
6:12 am: i am lathering my hair in to a soapy mess.
6:40 am: i walk out in to the hallway to smell breakfast and a man holding me a plate of potatoes and eggs.
6:50 am: sunglasses on and dodging morning commute.
7:25 am: arriving at work to pay my bills, bills, bills.
11:30 am: clock out and head back to the home i am never residing in to make some lunch.
12:15 pm: i am wiping off my lunch lips and dodging starving drivers.
4:30 pm: i clock out to the fastest monday of this month.
4:35 pm: i'm situated and taking off to go to...ben: "you coming over tonight? i hope so."
5:15 pm: i settle in to my temporary home and fix myself some sweet tea (since coming back from Georgia, that's all ben & i drink) and talk with steve (bens roommate) & kyle.
5:45 pm: ben gets off the phone with his father and i am nestled to his lips for a hello.
5:47 pm: BACKYARD FRISBEE TIME with the boys.
6:15 pm: kyle & steve leave for their bibly study and it's just ben and i.
6:30 pm - 7:15 pm: bed conversations. (we really like talking about our day and thoughts in bed for some reason.)
7:30 pm: "you want to make some veggie enchilada's?" i have a good man.
7:35 pm - 8:10 pm: Caputo's (we only enjoy Mexican Super Markets. we seriously go there and give ourselves 3 hours to roam around at all the ethnic foods and sad octopus. but we had a bed time this time though.)
8:20 pm: cutting up jalapeno's and onions, dancing in the kitchen, laughing, random tummy rubs and testing out flavors.
9:10 pm: the boys come home from their bible study and we just got cozy on the couch for the cake show and our veggie enchilada's.
9:25 pm: BACKYARD LIGHT UP FRISBEE TIME!
10:40 pm: body shower after an intense game of sweaty frisbee and a five minute back porch talk with kyle.
11:00 pm: bed time in a cozy bed and on a warm chest.

i feel like i don't write about my life anymore. or what i do. but this is pretty much in general of what i do lately.
i signed a lease for an apartment on Pulaski & Diversey in the city. Move in date is the first week of September.
since money is going to be rough for the first month, ben & i are going to pound 40's in alleys and listen to our favorite shows through a crack of a door.

oh and i've decided to have ben as my roommate.

ben and ben's dad conversation:
"so nicci & i are moving in together."
bens dad: "wow. that sounds pretty serious.
ben: "it is getting pretty serious."
bens dad: "you don't move this fast."
ben: "she makes me want to be an honest person. and makes me want to be a good person. i can't wait for you to meet her. and i hope you and mom come up to see the place."
bens dad: "i guess we are going to be making plans then."

ben's parents live in Nebraska. ben and his dad are pretty close. they talk at least twice a week. i like that about him.

see you soon, chicago. portland, i still have you in my agenda. i'll just be taking a boy with me.
 

how many times have i hit the " <------- backspace" button since writing [trying] my expressions?
five

i spent the weekend in chicago not too long ago. it stole my heart again. i reminded myself "i can still have a garden in my apartment"
him & i are planning on building a bed for me. and also a "couch bed".
my apartment will be cozy in logan square.
finding one bedroom apartments for less than 600 is worth it. i already have a transfer in process to work in the city.
and i'm not moving in with any one. i've decided that. i had two runner-ups.

so. lets try this again. and the reason why it is settled?
a.) i'm transferring
b.) i lived with my parents for the past six months now.
c.) i've grown a horrible attachment to them.
d.) i dislike attachment. i feel guilt.

and i feel more guilt than attachment at this moment. nothing with a move. beyond that.

financial situations like to bite me. hard.
and my car likes to hate me. most.

my hair is all sorts of out of place and out of color. it seems to only be growing on the front side because it is thick and long.
i need a tune up on my hair this weekend.

i've been pointed out that i'm talking about relationships a lot and how i would like that person to be. which in no way shape or form am i ready to be in one. and when i was told this, i kind of freaked out in my head.
i don't want one.
i dont want to be in one.
but at the same time i'm feeling like i am missing something.

but i'm moving. and i'm building. and i'm placing. nothing in between lies a "potential boyfriend".

what did make me smile today though was my dad's girlfriend seeing the box of hair dye in the bathroom and asking me: "do you need help dying your hair???"
and i replied: "why do you ask?"
and with that she said: "you miss the back of your head and i want to help you..."

you know. she's really good at convincing me to not be a teenager anymore and to be more of a woman. even though she says: "it looks cool" she followed it with "but it doesn't work in an office setting."
yeah...she's pretty awesome.

it feels good to feel this settling. and it feels good to be reading. and it feels good to see the city.
and it's wonderful spending weekends with friends.
and it's wonderful that i show up at a friends house and they have dinner on a plate for me.
"i'm eating vegan, remember?"
"it is vegan."
i look down and it's pasta with vegetables and olive oil with a taste of chili seasoning. it was really good.
"yeah. i think we can still make our weekly dinners with no hesitation."

i enjoy laying underneath a blanket and watching movies.

so why would i leave it?

is it really this normal to fear death? and in irony, not doing anything to protect yourself from it?

my hair is tossy. i run my fingers through it and i feel soft. all together, just not the hair.
i'm confused on where i am heading in my life but the urge to leave is easier than staying.
i don't want chicago to hold me back and every one knows i'm keeping myself away from the opportunity of a male making it worth to.
i'm easy to swoon i said.
i stopped wearing cover up and i only focus on liner and mascara. i rub baby oil on dry elbows and i terribly miss my friends.
banks scare the living shit out of me.
i want a type writer and a shirt to print on.
on the way back home from kenosha i had an amazing talk with a good friend. dicussing how we would never give each other the time of sitting across from each other due to just knowing each other as an aquintance. he was the only person when the ex and i called it quits to call me over the phone and say: "i want you to know i'm here. if you want to go get coffee any time soon, i work in palatine."
i took his offer and now we swing on swing sets and drink bubble tea. i tell him mini secrets for testing purposes. not intentional though. maybe?
i feel gross as a human being. john lennon, sing it to me.
my head phones blew out from my high volume of music to erase the car sounds as i am walking. now i have a constant crackling in my ear. the noise is not pleasant but it makes Conor Oberst's voice better.

i terribly, terribly miss my friends.

the oven scares the living shit out of me. flour, sugar, baking powder/soda-anything along the lines of mixing dry & wet ingrediants are terrifying.

however, i made some kick ass cinnamon rolls. i even used a rolling pin.
but you need insulin after you eat one. you go in to a coma or in the urgent need of a bed.

the weather likes to be a jerk when i want to ride my bike/walk to work.
4.3 miles is all it takes.

and after this weekend, i'm heading back to being a full vegan. i miss it. i was happy. i made meals that were tastier. and i liked the science of it. i felt healthy.
and summer seems easier to be. the bike rides to the farmers markets. i'll be honest, i'm better on a skillet than i am on a baking pan. but it doesn't hurt to try it out.
however, when you have a father that has a girlfriend that is allergic to soy products, this defers and alternates all dinner plans.
but i do like chickpeas more than i do with tofu. i seem to just settle with Penny's (insert drooling mouth now) tofu or Chicago Diner.

and i just got a call from a friend of the guy i rear ended and it's $1,072 to fix his bumper. Are you fucking kidding me?

Current time: 2:17 pm
Current place: front desk
Current mood: give me a cup of tea, wrap me in a warm blanket, lay my head softly on a pillow and let me rest myself on a male's chest just so i can snore my sickness in his ear.

General: Sleeping with the windows open leads to sickness. i still feel disconnected with people and can't open up about how i feel as a whole in life. i'd rather just talk about every day occurances on my end. i can't stop moving around and i feel as if i have the "running leg" syndrome.

Basics: i'm battling.

Work: i took a vacation last week and came back and feel even more out of place. sitting here gives me a pay check and i feel as if this isn't right.

School: i signed up for violin lessons.

Family: my sister has reached the lowest point of depression. her boyfriend drops her off at street intersections and calls me when i am with friends miles away than i would like to reach her. we both have a fear of turning out like our mother and i hear through the grapevine that all she is doing is drinking.
i understand she has a tendency of having people think negative towards her due to her anger. but she is still my sister. no one knows how many imaginary monsters she has fought off for me and how many endless nights she has let me sleep in her bed because i felt unsafe. and no one knows that she use to do karokee with me and pretend as if we were just signed to a label. and no one knows how many times she has sat in the bathroom on the toilet with me because i was too afraid that as i was showering a man would come in and murder our family and i would be all alone. no one knows how many times she let me win at wrestling on our parents bed and how many falls she took to make it more dramatic. no one.

Social: Moleskin journals.

Romantic: i have pushed myself so far away from this subject that i've grown numb to it. i don't even feel anything when ones even express their saddness in adoration towards a broken up relationship. i don't feel pity nor optimistic.

Book: Not now dear.

Music: Andrew Bird & Dan Auerbach. On constant repeat pulling my strings.

Random: I went to Tennessee. We passed two major down towns and then we placed ourselves in the mountains. I have a new fear of bears and i had the realization that i still have a childs imagination when it comes to events leading to horrific nightmares in a reality sense.

i barely slept last night. i listened to Eluvium all night and heard the rain through my earphones with light hitting on my window. i didn't get to watch the rain drizzle down the window. i let the wind come in through the screen during the night.

i'm figuring out things and the more i write, i seem to become more thoughtful which in turn i feel more depressed. may be this is why i pushed myself away from writing. convincing myself that this is nothing to me and i can't write anything level minded nor something that is, well or good.

in a different aspect i still smell the campfires from tennessee on my sunglasses. weird how plastic can soak such a thing in.
and in a not so different light i have the urge to get out of here even more. seems like every trip i take is another step and reason to.

dear september, i need you to be good.

i'm not sure what it is that has me in this mind set that love is forgotten nor even appreciated. and even better yet, not real.
i don't turn in disgust when friends present that to me. i seem to understand unconditional love more than i do with the actual.
it could possibly be that i set myself in a relationship for a year and a half and ending it with guilt. with guilt in knowing that i never truely loved him but yet, giving him another shot and feel emptiness.
love comes from the mind more than the heart. i still kind of question to this day as to why hearts are being drawn to express the type of love we mean. but, yet, i scribble it down as i am bored directing the person to the appropriate department and filling them in with lines. after the call is over, i cross it out.

have...
i really lost it?
i really pushed it away so much?
i missed opportunities to do so?
i convinced myself in enough safety that this is it?

i'm not sure.

i'm focusing on myself. yep. losing inches (which sadly takes much longer than the first round since i am doing it the "right way" [quoting a friend].
i pull my face. i lost color in my skin. i see pores. i still get pimples. i still have to pluck my eyebrows every other day. and there are times where i just want to give up on the idea of my self perfection just to feel comfortable in social situations. but the safety net i feel around the people i have in my life are just the right comfort that i feel i can't let go.

i don't feel connected as well with the people i surround myself with though. but yet, i still have a respect towards them and feel as if they are accepting towards any comfort i need in any sort of emotion. but yet i feel drained that i have yet to give them back any sort of giving that they have done.

i'm just not good at this whole relationship thing. i'm not good on this whole thing of love.

and yet i think to myself "if i just had the confidence...maybe."
and i don't.

i don't feel broken. i don't feel displaced in life. i like where i am right now.

but talking to people just feels like being opened.
i don't open. i close.

it's great to slip on skinny jeans that you weren't able to wear for almost a year.

it's great that i'm doing things healthy.

it's great that i have these friends in my life.

it's great that i let go of some.

it's not awesome that the week i decide to ride my bike, it's raining or windy. which in turn leads in to not riding my bike.

i really miss some friends. i miss wisconsin people.