in the pines

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 02:29:21 GMT

two months in living around buildings and concrete.
and some times in my drunken rage i stomp on the sidewalks
and scream: "concrete sucks!"
i miss the nature of the suburbs. i was pretty lucky with all those forest preserves.
smoking weed. feeding apples to animals. hanging out in tall grasses.
recording a mental note of what the water fall sounds like just to keep yourself...sane.

but i do enjoy the lovely crooked ceiling inside our cozy attic apartment.
we've been cooking on cast iron pans for the past two months.
i caved and went to the thrift store (that has a horrible set up of cash registers) and bought a nice non-cast-iron-pan.
it was marvelous.

and at this very moment, he is flipping raw home made vegan bagels in boiling water with our red
spatula that came across us in a box at the salvation army.
i don't think we've cooked the same recipe twice. unless it's amazing burrito night or awesome home made recipe of movie type popcorn.

i'm plan to be a bear this winter.

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 00:17:04 GMT

update:

life is good
relationship is great
i am a horrible brat when it comes to things
i'll just stare at him
and then he'll smile
and then end my self staring contest with a nice kiss
the city is cold
i have three friends so far in this big city
and i fit perfectly well with the ghetto talking mailroom that i work in
i even picked up on some ebonics.
i have about five cigarettes a day now. if that.
and right behind me is a friend washing our dinner dishes because we often like to have him over for dinner. he doesn't mind the emptiness and he truly understands.
friends are great.
i am secretly home sick though.
it's an every day battle to not call him and tell my parents i miss them and love them.
no joke.
but the city is big.
and wonderful.
but i am still trying to find some god damn woods to lose myself in.

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 13:40:20 GMT

i feel like i am waving away to some where else. i'm feeling settled even though i have yet to unpack the many boxes waiting to be folded and placed some where. my mind has settled in to other things and disinterested in some. i don't feel as if i would like the city but i know he will. he sleeps better. and really, it's just a place that we have for privacy. i like the privacy that we have in our attic apartment and slanted walls. his hands are eager to build shelves. and as i was passing by walls of concrete on the highway, i realized my heart does not belong around machines that destroy or orange signs telling me to flow with traffic. one day i will ride a different direction that it tells me. fly threw the air as if my car has wings and pass all the shocked faces. i did this out of love of not this. i would be cushioned with fields if we had any.

in between the sky and the earth.

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 14:25:21 GMT

we've nestled our half empty/half full cardboard boxes. scattered every where on the hardwood floor. my tire popped on the bridge over water by Navy Pier. a loud boom. The tire slanted off the rim and the bike cops pulled their bikes over to take a look with their flashlight and no help. i held my breath due to downing three beers prior to this and didn't want to get a DUI on a bike. they directed a bike shop near navy pier and i headed down there. closed and shut down (and which by the way was a bike rental place, not a fix up place) i locked my bike on the rack and waited for friends to bike home and grab a car. i laid on the bench with him, head on his chest. the clouds acted as a blanket to the chilling moon. we discussed the matter of life people take in and i mentioned the ones that say "i am struggling to define myself" are bullshit. i've said this line many times but realized i have just cozied up to rock bottom and i don't know what excuse i can give myself to just stall a while as i kick pebbles of finicial issues as well as personal.
pebbles. not boulders.
i brought my backpacking bag as a terms of knowing i can escape.
i have been twidling my thumbs in excitement and jealousy over Ryan M's ability to hop on a plane to arizona and keep himself out there for a while. i almost want to ask him if i can do that with him.

i'm going to be taking up photography. fill this void that i have in my life. something to travel with around the city. and a reason to throw fists if anyone takes it.

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 15:21:58 GMT

6:10 am: Ben's alarm clock goes off and shakes me softly to wake up.
6:12 am: i am lathering my hair in to a soapy mess.
6:40 am: i walk out in to the hallway to smell breakfast and a man holding me a plate of potatoes and eggs.
6:50 am: sunglasses on and dodging morning commute.
7:25 am: arriving at work to pay my bills, bills, bills.
11:30 am: clock out and head back to the home i am never residing in to make some lunch.
12:15 pm: i am wiping off my lunch lips and dodging starving drivers.
4:30 pm: i clock out to the fastest monday of this month.
4:35 pm: i'm situated and taking off to go to...ben: "you coming over tonight? i hope so."
5:15 pm: i settle in to my temporary home and fix myself some sweet tea (since coming back from Georgia, that's all ben & i drink) and talk with steve (bens roommate) & kyle.
5:45 pm: ben gets off the phone with his father and i am nestled to his lips for a hello.
5:47 pm: BACKYARD FRISBEE TIME with the boys.
6:15 pm: kyle & steve leave for their bibly study and it's just ben and i.
6:30 pm - 7:15 pm: bed conversations. (we really like talking about our day and thoughts in bed for some reason.)
7:30 pm: "you want to make some veggie enchilada's?" i have a good man.
7:35 pm - 8:10 pm: Caputo's (we only enjoy Mexican Super Markets. we seriously go there and give ourselves 3 hours to roam around at all the ethnic foods and sad octopus. but we had a bed time this time though.)
8:20 pm: cutting up jalapeno's and onions, dancing in the kitchen, laughing, random tummy rubs and testing out flavors.
9:10 pm: the boys come home from their bible study and we just got cozy on the couch for the cake show and our veggie enchilada's.
9:25 pm: BACKYARD LIGHT UP FRISBEE TIME!
10:40 pm: body shower after an intense game of sweaty frisbee and a five minute back porch talk with kyle.
11:00 pm: bed time in a cozy bed and on a warm chest.

i feel like i don't write about my life anymore. or what i do. but this is pretty much in general of what i do lately.
i signed a lease for an apartment on Pulaski & Diversey in the city. Move in date is the first week of September.
since money is going to be rough for the first month, ben & i are going to pound 40's in alleys and listen to our favorite shows through a crack of a door.

oh and i've decided to have ben as my roommate.

ben and ben's dad conversation:
"so nicci & i are moving in together."
bens dad: "wow. that sounds pretty serious.
ben: "it is getting pretty serious."
bens dad: "you don't move this fast."
ben: "she makes me want to be an honest person. and makes me want to be a good person. i can't wait for you to meet her. and i hope you and mom come up to see the place."
bens dad: "i guess we are going to be making plans then."

ben's parents live in Nebraska. ben and his dad are pretty close. they talk at least twice a week. i like that about him.

see you soon, chicago. portland, i still have you in my agenda. i'll just be taking a boy with me.

Fri, 31 Jul 2009 12:57:06 GMT

him: "how would you feel about paying rent together?"
me: "like. living together?"
him: "yeah."

...

i'm so terrified. i'm terrified we will crumble if we lived together.
like my last relationship did.
and that ripped me apart when we mutually ended it the first time.
i drank for nine months straight.
gained 30 pounds.
laid in bed on weekends.
and had complete meaningless, drunk sex.

i'm so afraid to live with him. even though i did it for two years on a friend basis.
this is different now. we are together.

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 18:47:16 GMT

there will be a decision whether or not my mother and her siblings will take their father (my grandpa) off life support. is it bad that i'm trying to cope with this by thinking my mother is being dramatic and he will be completely fine. because, you know, she called me this morning saying 'he opened his eyes.'
...i may be booking a ticket to georgia for this sunday.
and i'm trying every amount of will to not do so because i am thinking he will be ok.

back in february:
grandpa: "ah nicci. darlin."
me: "how are you, pepa?"
grandpa: "welp. i'm doing just fine honey. hard at the same time. i miss my wife."
[his second wife died back in february. they were inseperable.]
me: "i know, pepa. this will be hard. sorry i can't make it down there. money is tight."
grandpa: "oh honey. i know. i love you. i wish i put myself more in your life. i love you so much. you mean the world to me. i wish i had you around more often like your cousins. i love you, darling."

my grandpa and i were close. every morning when i would wake up during family vacations with him, he would have mickey mouse pancakes stacked a foot high. his southern voice rings in my ear. and i'm just choking.

me and the boy were suppose to drive down there in september to visit. seems like it will be sooner and just me taking a flight out of illinois.

i get a voicemail today from him.

"hey, sweetie. i'm sorry this is happening. i miss you and can't wait to see you tonight. we'll just lay in bed."

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 19:14:13 GMT

i wrap my arms around his torso with the wind in my hair as we fly down the roads on his motorcycle. i fold my arms on his shoulder blades and block my face from the sun. "i'm not really good with phone conversations. but i want to call to tell you i miss you..." that sentence being said erases the warmth of the sun on my face but digs deep underneath my skin.
"i want to stop talking about how i hurt my best friend."
"that's ok."
"can't they just let us be happy together?"
"some accept."
"lets just stop talking about this..."
"ok."
"but i miss you."
"oh, sweetie, i miss you too. i get to see you tomorrow."
"stupid dry wall."
"stupid money. stupid bank."

now back to the thought. i wrap my arms around his torso, i fold my arms on his shoulder blades and hide my face from the sun. my chest is burning from the rays and i sigh out a heat exhausted relief. he places his hand on my head and his cheek against mine.

you're a true gentleman.

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 17:52:39 GMT

how many times have i hit the " <------- backspace" button since writing [trying] my expressions?
five

i spent the weekend in chicago not too long ago. it stole my heart again. i reminded myself "i can still have a garden in my apartment"
him & i are planning on building a bed for me. and also a "couch bed".
my apartment will be cozy in logan square.
finding one bedroom apartments for less than 600 is worth it. i already have a transfer in process to work in the city.
and i'm not moving in with any one. i've decided that. i had two runner-ups.

so. lets try this again. and the reason why it is settled?
a.) i'm transferring
b.) i lived with my parents for the past six months now.
c.) i've grown a horrible attachment to them.
d.) i dislike attachment. i feel guilt.

and i feel more guilt than attachment at this moment. nothing with a move. beyond that.

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 16:01:53 GMT

financial situations like to bite me. hard.
and my car likes to hate me. most.

my hair is all sorts of out of place and out of color. it seems to only be growing on the front side because it is thick and long.
i need a tune up on my hair this weekend.

i've been pointed out that i'm talking about relationships a lot and how i would like that person to be. which in no way shape or form am i ready to be in one. and when i was told this, i kind of freaked out in my head.
i don't want one.
i dont want to be in one.
but at the same time i'm feeling like i am missing something.

but i'm moving. and i'm building. and i'm placing. nothing in between lies a "potential boyfriend".

what did make me smile today though was my dad's girlfriend seeing the box of hair dye in the bathroom and asking me: "do you need help dying your hair???"
and i replied: "why do you ask?"
and with that she said: "you miss the back of your head and i want to help you..."

you know. she's really good at convincing me to not be a teenager anymore and to be more of a woman. even though she says: "it looks cool" she followed it with "but it doesn't work in an office setting."
yeah...she's pretty awesome.

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 14:32:09 GMT

it feels good to feel this settling. and it feels good to be reading. and it feels good to see the city.
and it's wonderful spending weekends with friends.
and it's wonderful that i show up at a friends house and they have dinner on a plate for me.
"i'm eating vegan, remember?"
"it is vegan."
i look down and it's pasta with vegetables and olive oil with a taste of chili seasoning. it was really good.
"yeah. i think we can still make our weekly dinners with no hesitation."

i enjoy laying underneath a blanket and watching movies.

so why would i leave it?

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 18:55:11 GMT

is it really this normal to fear death? and in irony, not doing anything to protect yourself from it?

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 14:56:37 GMT

my hair is tossy. i run my fingers through it and i feel soft. all together, just not the hair.
i'm confused on where i am heading in my life but the urge to leave is easier than staying.
i don't want chicago to hold me back and every one knows i'm keeping myself away from the opportunity of a male making it worth to.
i'm easy to swoon i said.
i stopped wearing cover up and i only focus on liner and mascara. i rub baby oil on dry elbows and i terribly miss my friends.
banks scare the living shit out of me.
i want a type writer and a shirt to print on.
on the way back home from kenosha i had an amazing talk with a good friend. dicussing how we would never give each other the time of sitting across from each other due to just knowing each other as an aquintance. he was the only person when the ex and i called it quits to call me over the phone and say: "i want you to know i'm here. if you want to go get coffee any time soon, i work in palatine."
i took his offer and now we swing on swing sets and drink bubble tea. i tell him mini secrets for testing purposes. not intentional though. maybe?
i feel gross as a human being. john lennon, sing it to me.
my head phones blew out from my high volume of music to erase the car sounds as i am walking. now i have a constant crackling in my ear. the noise is not pleasant but it makes Conor Oberst's voice better.

i terribly, terribly miss my friends.

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 18:23:50 GMT

the oven scares the living shit out of me. flour, sugar, baking powder/soda-anything along the lines of mixing dry & wet ingrediants are terrifying.

however, i made some kick ass cinnamon rolls. i even used a rolling pin.
but you need insulin after you eat one. you go in to a coma or in the urgent need of a bed.

the weather likes to be a jerk when i want to ride my bike/walk to work.
4.3 miles is all it takes.

and after this weekend, i'm heading back to being a full vegan. i miss it. i was happy. i made meals that were tastier. and i liked the science of it. i felt healthy.
and summer seems easier to be. the bike rides to the farmers markets. i'll be honest, i'm better on a skillet than i am on a baking pan. but it doesn't hurt to try it out.
however, when you have a father that has a girlfriend that is allergic to soy products, this defers and alternates all dinner plans.
but i do like chickpeas more than i do with tofu. i seem to just settle with Penny's (insert drooling mouth now) tofu or Chicago Diner.

and i just got a call from a friend of the guy i rear ended and it's $1,072 to fix his bumper. Are you fucking kidding me?

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 13:00:59 GMT

i had a mental breakdown after i awoke this morning. i curled up in my bed, sat at the edge of my bed and had my face in my hands constantly wiping off last nights make up.
i don't know where it came from.
i worry way too much.
i didn't have a bad dream.
i kept pushing my cat away.

i found out an old best friend of mine got hit by a car and they had to take out part of his spleen.
this is his second time getting hit by a car. i really hope he has many lives ahead of him to handle it if it happens again.

this mental breakdown of mine couldn't come at a better time.
i'm leaving illinois for the weekend.

Maybe i should stick with this. not that. Thank you, Leslie.

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 19:33:17 GMT

Current time: 2:17 pm
Current place: front desk
Current mood: give me a cup of tea, wrap me in a warm blanket, lay my head softly on a pillow and let me rest myself on a male's chest just so i can snore my sickness in his ear.

General: Sleeping with the windows open leads to sickness. i still feel disconnected with people and can't open up about how i feel as a whole in life. i'd rather just talk about every day occurances on my end. i can't stop moving around and i feel as if i have the "running leg" syndrome.

Basics: i'm battling.

Work: i took a vacation last week and came back and feel even more out of place. sitting here gives me a pay check and i feel as if this isn't right.

School: i signed up for violin lessons.

Family: my sister has reached the lowest point of depression. her boyfriend drops her off at street intersections and calls me when i am with friends miles away than i would like to reach her. we both have a fear of turning out like our mother and i hear through the grapevine that all she is doing is drinking.
i understand she has a tendency of having people think negative towards her due to her anger. but she is still my sister. no one knows how many imaginary monsters she has fought off for me and how many endless nights she has let me sleep in her bed because i felt unsafe. and no one knows that she use to do karokee with me and pretend as if we were just signed to a label. and no one knows how many times she has sat in the bathroom on the toilet with me because i was too afraid that as i was showering a man would come in and murder our family and i would be all alone. no one knows how many times she let me win at wrestling on our parents bed and how many falls she took to make it more dramatic. no one.

Social: Moleskin journals.

Romantic: i have pushed myself so far away from this subject that i've grown numb to it. i don't even feel anything when ones even express their saddness in adoration towards a broken up relationship. i don't feel pity nor optimistic.

Book: Not now dear.

Music: Andrew Bird & Dan Auerbach. On constant repeat pulling my strings.

Random: I went to Tennessee. We passed two major down towns and then we placed ourselves in the mountains. I have a new fear of bears and i had the realization that i still have a childs imagination when it comes to events leading to horrific nightmares in a reality sense.

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 12:51:06 GMT

may be getting drunk and telling a friend that you ran in to at a bar who is close to your exboyfriend from when you were 18 laughing about how after two weeks of dating he held you and cried and said "i'm afraid i'm losing you" and explaining to him how you thought to break up with that boyfriend and then also explaining to him that he cried to you about three times a week because he was so depressed is not such a good idea.

yeah. i did that. and it's going to bite me in the ass. because this friend is a male. and it's one thing to tell a man about another man crying. because that's kind of like putting down their manhood. and when you basically hang out with guys you notice if you mention, do, say anything to decrease their feeling of manhood they get pissed and it hangs over their heads for a few hours.

yeah. i'm an idiot.

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 18:53:11 GMT

i barely slept last night. i listened to Eluvium all night and heard the rain through my earphones with light hitting on my window. i didn't get to watch the rain drizzle down the window. i let the wind come in through the screen during the night.

i'm figuring out things and the more i write, i seem to become more thoughtful which in turn i feel more depressed. may be this is why i pushed myself away from writing. convincing myself that this is nothing to me and i can't write anything level minded nor something that is, well or good.

in a different aspect i still smell the campfires from tennessee on my sunglasses. weird how plastic can soak such a thing in.
and in a not so different light i have the urge to get out of here even more. seems like every trip i take is another step and reason to.

dear september, i need you to be good.

Fri, 29 May 2009 19:02:28 GMT

i'm not sure what it is that has me in this mind set that love is forgotten nor even appreciated. and even better yet, not real.
i don't turn in disgust when friends present that to me. i seem to understand unconditional love more than i do with the actual.
it could possibly be that i set myself in a relationship for a year and a half and ending it with guilt. with guilt in knowing that i never truely loved him but yet, giving him another shot and feel emptiness.
love comes from the mind more than the heart. i still kind of question to this day as to why hearts are being drawn to express the type of love we mean. but, yet, i scribble it down as i am bored directing the person to the appropriate department and filling them in with lines. after the call is over, i cross it out.

have...
i really lost it?
i really pushed it away so much?
i missed opportunities to do so?
i convinced myself in enough safety that this is it?

i'm not sure.

i'm focusing on myself. yep. losing inches (which sadly takes much longer than the first round since i am doing it the "right way" [quoting a friend].
i pull my face. i lost color in my skin. i see pores. i still get pimples. i still have to pluck my eyebrows every other day. and there are times where i just want to give up on the idea of my self perfection just to feel comfortable in social situations. but the safety net i feel around the people i have in my life are just the right comfort that i feel i can't let go.

i don't feel connected as well with the people i surround myself with though. but yet, i still have a respect towards them and feel as if they are accepting towards any comfort i need in any sort of emotion. but yet i feel drained that i have yet to give them back any sort of giving that they have done.

i'm just not good at this whole relationship thing. i'm not good on this whole thing of love.

and yet i think to myself "if i just had the confidence...maybe."
and i don't.

i don't feel broken. i don't feel displaced in life. i like where i am right now.

but talking to people just feels like being opened.
i don't open. i close.

Thu, 28 May 2009 14:27:11 GMT

it's great to slip on skinny jeans that you weren't able to wear for almost a year.

it's great that i'm doing things healthy.

it's great that i have these friends in my life.

it's great that i let go of some.

it's not awesome that the week i decide to ride my bike, it's raining or windy. which in turn leads in to not riding my bike.

i really miss some friends. i miss wisconsin people.

our fight. last words.

Wed, 27 May 2009 20:25:52 GMT

"fuck you"
"what? what was that for?"

five calls later. five no pick ups. three voicemails. one sad voicemail.

"i can't have a good night if you don't explain to me what is going on"
"i'm done."
"done with me?"
"yes."

i weakend myself and called him. i hear the backround noise of the bar fade. girls laughters in the phone. a guy mumbling. some one stating they need a cigarette. and i hear his footsteps getting further away from the bar crowd.
"i don't get it."
"i'm just defeated."
"are you drunk?"
"no. i was sober when i said 'fuck you'.
"which leads to this phone call."
"which leads this to our last."
"i don't understand. you've become hostile. things were going good."
"and then ruined."
"ruin what?"

[pause]

"this is why i can't devote any time to you. any thing. i don't trust you. you've become lower than a friend to me."
"so. i'm basically shit?"
"close."
"i know this happened before with that girl and you got all upset..."
"it wasn't because of THAT girl. You allowed me to read the texts and i don't think you remember what you said for the sole fact that i read 'i'm stuck hanging out with her and i wish to be with you.' as a friend, my dear, you don't say that. thus what lead the silent dinner. what lead to me basically choking the whole time. and dropping you off at the door. after many apologies of what you THINK i was upset about wasn't it. i never brought it up because i thought to let THAT go."

[i don't want you to text me that you miss me at 2:00 in the morning and i jump in my car to save your loneliness. i don't want you to mention to me that you thought of me. i don't want you to mention to me that every girlfriend felt wrong because you compared them to me.]

and then i called him last night. after two weeks of not speaking. he texted me he got a second interview. which i'm sure it was a mass text message. i congratulated him. made plans with him.

that i will cancel. repeatedly.

Wed, 27 May 2009 13:06:40 GMT

so this whole growing out my hair thing is fucking shit. i'm impatient and the only thing that seems to be growing is my bangs. which reaches past my nose and i look like donald trump when i swoop my hair over. but it reaches my collar bone. get to my elbows you shit.

the good thing is though that every time my hair grows an inch the wavier it gets. the more that i am in the sun, the more my dirty blonde hair would try to break out of my hair dye. but i still look like an idiot.

i have my septum pierced (not sure if i shared that) and i flip the ring up when i'm sleeping. one ball decided to come loose and go down my nasal passage. i noticed it in the shower while i was getting ready to clean it (it constantly smells like a foot) and i pulled it out and no ball. i searched for it in my hair and then felt a little bump in my nose. i snot rocketed it out in the shower and i must say, i feel less like a female.

i also put baby oil on after i take a shower (i don't have to use lotion for days) and i realized if you put too much baby oil on, you now have a personal sauna going on underneath your clothes. i'm sweating like nobody's business in an air conditioned office.

Tue, 26 May 2009 14:15:18 GMT

i collected myself in tennessee. i feel more apart from people in a sense and i am not sure whether or not that is saddening or in a sense, a new slate to just work on.
i've decided the debt that looms over me needs to be taken care of in a faster rate. i feel georgia wanting in my blood and bones. i feel a lot of states in need of my placement.
these hang ups at work, the debt, the constant thought replacement, the constant missing or wanting, the constant need of something and never figuring out what the hell it is, the having of a boss, the having of a manager, the having of a paycheck-the need of a paycheck, the constant pushing away, the constant need of pulling in. constant, having. constant, need, having. constant need of having. constant need of pushing.
i need someone to talk to. and i'm admitting it. and i don't know where to start. and i feel drowned. but at the same time, completely happy.

talking of tennessee:
my body broke down on the way there. about three monsters in and two cups of coffee, my body had the need of staying up and my eyes had the strength to pull that down. i convulsed in the passenger seat as i watched the sunrise rising over the mountains.
i haven't seen the mountains since i started taking airplanes to see my mother. i realized the beauty of the curves in the mountains. i miss it already. i miss the pure air. already.

i'm just alright.
i need to get out of illinois.

Tue, 19 May 2009 13:13:54 GMT

i woke up pretty emotional. i felt like i reconnected with my grandmother.
i ran around in an empty grocery store. i felt frantic. sort of in the sense of need to feel home.
i finally past the floral section and my mother & grandmother were standing there talking. in pause, i felt relief to see my grandmother talking again and moving. as fragile as the state she was in, just like she is in reality, i worried she didn't remember me. like she doesn't in reality.
i jogged up towards her and she smiled. i haven't seen her smile like that since she forgot how to. i wrapped my arms around her and she wrapped around me. "Palakemo" [means little bird in english. that was what she always called me.] she said as she hugged me. she rubbed her hands on my back as we walked. i couldn't hear what we were saying. in fact, i'm trying to remember if i even had the ability to.
as we were walking, shelves filled up. and we were touching things, feeling them.
[when i was in my single digit age, going to the grocery store with my grandmother was always an adventure. her scent always filled up the aisles and she would let me squeeze air pockets in bread at the bakery; let me poke every ground beef package that we passed; and let me violently squeeze the blood out of steaks and think it was adorable]
as we kept walking, the grocery store turned in to her neighborhood street. my aunts and uncles were playing in the yard with their recent kids at the surrounding houses. waving at me but i wasn't waving back. I did a slow 360 spin and didn't see my grandmother any where. I kept walking and approached her house. I stood on the curb and looked through her front door. straight through the house was the back door and she was just standing there in her moo moo. her back towards me. i stepped my barefeet in to the grass, as i looked up again she was gone. i collapsed.

i told my father about the dream this morning. i placed my sunglasses on as i was walking to the car with him and i started to choke. [thank you to whomever invented sunglasses] my father responded with: "well, it just seems that you are missing something. missing mom and especially Yia Yia since you had a conversation with her. You miss the real Yia Yia."

the one think i dislike most is crying in the morning. and i did after my father said that.
thank you, again, to whomever invented sunglasses.

Tue, 12 May 2009 13:13:44 GMT

what is it about you, money?
why is it that anytime i venture you follow with such haste?
you rip apart my clothes and give me no more for having new things.
you let my feet stay in one place rather than various.

but what you don't know, money, is i'm not being fooled by you this time.
i'm getting out of here. and you can follow me and play the role as a tempter as i have hunger pains.
or, you can be reasonable and give me a fair amount so i can also have some where temporarily.
and if it be a van, i'll take.

i'm not being fooled by you.
and you're not god like.
stop with your vanity.